Playing with the bulb
Serious things to be done (although not because nothing is serious)
- Get this revision done for tomorrow’s exam and avoid all stress regarding it
- Be more organised with the next exam revision
- Celebrate finishing exams
- Really really lower eating and lose weight finalllllllly
- Go for a walk every morning or evening, unless biked
- Continue convincing myself to get a 50mm 1.4 and reminding myself that there’s no point having money saved if you won’t use it (also money is stupid and should not be left to sit and receive worship)
- Go to the doctors (after constantly telling myself over and over), (also build up bravery)
- Have my camera round my neck as much as possible and start asking friends to let me photograph them
- Get a beautiful journal and write in it instead of on here forever more! (hopefully)
- Lower my anger all of the time. When angry, go biking
- Resume painting
- Read more non fiction
- Be a super fabulous friend and super confident person, forever more (hopefully)
- Cook and clean and compliment
- Do the herb garden as soon as nice weather is out
- Stop walking around with my head down
- (i do not expect this to happen for a long time if ever) ask to photograph strangers and passerbys
I think that is all for now, now hopefully more lists will be written on paper and i’ll have my hair outdoors more often. I shall begin with revision on a wonderful story that I look forward to writing about
(I was in bed last night, waiting desperately to fall asleep, and I felt the grip of sadness taking hold of me again after over a year of me fighting it. I felt the oddness that Ive countlessly described, of feeling like my whole being was balanced on a blade of grass and every edge of me breaking or at least fading. And that is how I fell asleep, thinking I was oging to lose myself
Then I woke up this morning to wonderful sunshine and I realised that was nobody who was me last night, I think they just made an unpleasant return because I’ve been feeling a bit useless recently. And then I continue to remind myself that nothing has objective worth and I feel myself again, I feel great)
(I unfollowed all the blogs that I recently followed on here that reminded me over and over of sadness. I don’t want that to be a part of me)
(And then I spent more of this morning being re inspired by Nirrimi)
(Why does everything turn out longer than I expect, and why do I always go off track)
Should this evening have been more productive than watching a whole bunch of vlogbrothers videos
NO NO IT SHOULDN’T
I want to have the capacity to know all the worst parts of me
When I see my friend next I’m going to ask
- Fruit salads
- Waking up at 4/5am in the summer
- Falling asleep to southpark
- music, all music, embracing all music and finding the song/genre/artist which will make me feel better about myself at that time
- people who smile all the time
- riding in cars with windows down and blissful songs
- spinach
- that head flick mick jones in the rock the casbah video when joe takes off his hat (i know thats stupid but its all thats been in my head)
- people who are so many miles away but knowing they exist because of the internet whereas before they were nobodies
- finishing a book and just taking it all in for a long time afterwards
- waking in the middle of the night and the night is so big and one or two cars go by
- just talking to people
- photo albums
- hearing my parents talk about their life before having kids
- painting
- being touched
- when you don’t have a ‘type’ (because it doesn’t exist) and thinking about all the different people you’re attracted to
- discussing with others who wonderful some people are and they never have to know you just appreciate them and that’s great
- every single bird ever!!!! (this is one of the most important)
- hiking
- my favourite guy pal
- maturing but remaining immature
- grown men who cannot escape their youth
- gardening
- cacti
- MY garden
- seeing photos of well travelled people
- modest mouse
- sewing
- thinking that sometimes people think about me
- realising how often i think about people
- BIKING!!!!!!
- HOLY GUACEMOLY how different everybody is
- postcards
- camping
- forests
- a woodpecker i can hear in my garden from a woods which is about a 5 minute walk
- fresh green grocer oranges
- positive all of the time people
- knowing so much about myself
- books drenched in nostalgia it feels like you’re reading your past
- positive life affirming quotes
- sunflowers
- airports
- ive had a mind freeze, but the big white lights that are on sports fields or motorway reconstruction at night
- remembering this one night over and over and over from last june
- swimming in rivers
- walking with power
- writing with pencils
- veganism (the only thing that matters)
- all of my male english teachers
- hands
- where people grab you and fling their arms around your head and breathe in your hair
- when i realise how little i care about what public think of me
- train journeys
- thinking one day i will be in a different place with different people but ill always be everything of every day of all the people ive ever known
- sassiness and sexiness in people and who dance whenever they move
- having so many imaginary people in my mind who i talk with
- when my brothers come home
- the million billion memories i have with emily
- my coffee sponge
- TEA
- trips and adventures with my parents
- when my six closest friends hang out and nothing has really changed
- my bedroom is my bedroom
- inspiration from everywhere
- how different everyones lips are and how i have favourite lips on people
- so many laughs
- the library
- herb gardens
- freewheelin’
- compassion
- tomorrow is ALWAYS a different day
Hey. Hey maaaan, let’s hangout!!!!
“
Let me say it openly: we are surrounded by an enterprise of degradation, cruelty, and killing which rivals anything the Third Reich was capable of, indeed dwarfs it, in that ours is an enterprise without end, self-regenerating, bringing rabbits, rats, poultry, livestock ceaselessly into the world for the purpose of killing them.
And to split hairs, to claim that there is no comparison, that Treblinka was so to speak a metaphysical enterprise dedicated to nothing but death and annihilation while the meat industry is ultimately devoted to life (once its victims are dead, after all it does not burn them to ash, or bury them, but on the contrary cuts them up and refrigerates and packs them so that they can be consumed in the comfort of our home) is as little consolation to those victims as it would have been — pardon the tastelessness of the following — to ask the dead of Treblinka to excuse their killers because their body fat was needed to make soap and their hair to stuff mattresses with.
— J. M. Coetzee
When Im at the end of my tether (wtf is tether) I just start monotonously repeating ‘watch earthlings’ ‘watch earthlings’ watch earthlings’
The Ramones- Its Not My Place
I think the greatest loss of power comes from when you begin to create something for someone else which was previously all your own
“As soon as any man says of the affairs of the State, “What does it matter to me?,” the State may be giving up for lost”
— Rousseau, The Social Contract
we are free in-so-far as we are free to buy
